[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”