For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
You Might Also Like
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.