“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
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Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Never let them know your next move 😂
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet