All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
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[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it