Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal