My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
what’s more important?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!