People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
and now we wait