Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
You Might Also Like
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.