This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Midwest trash talk
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.