My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
You Might Also Like
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening