My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Worth remembering.
*sewing*
A thread
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.