Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I want to meet the individual who made this