The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.