ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?