Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I only eat vegetarians.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.