I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.