Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
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I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.