I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
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Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Pretty much. 🤣
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.