alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
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You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word