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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
how it started vs how it ended
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.