I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.