Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
You Might Also Like
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I think about this a lot
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Well, that should do it
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.