did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.