I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
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To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.