I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.