I just tested negative for patience.
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago