I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho