I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Here’s a meme
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.