Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?