I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache