One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off