I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
my mind
You just read my mind
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My whole life was a lie.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.