[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?