I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Holy shit he’s back
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost