Hitlers gonna hitl
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I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.