your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
May never get over this
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.