I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.