Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.