[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.