When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.