my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian