Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
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Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Worth remembering.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.