Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.