*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Usage Guidelines
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Something Saturday.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.