Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?