Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.