The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
blocked.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under