Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
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I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
not to brag, but mine was free
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.