In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.