Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
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You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.